This is a very important conversation. I became a stay at home mom when our child's daycare closed after covid turbulence. I would add that when en you don't have income you give up a lot of power. Eg. My husband is an excellent partner that shares domestic and childcare duties with me after hours, but he could at any point decide "that's not his job" and what could I really do about it? Most people don't like to think about marriage in this way, but money=power is just a reality we're living in that you have to consider. On the flip side, I think the "two income trap" that Elizabeth Warren has written about is compelling.
One of the key findings that emerged from the study of unilateral divorce was that women increased their earnings during marriage, because you can't be independent without money. I think of this a lot, a job is a job but it's also independence.
When I was younger I simply implored my friends to retain some kind of earning power. It didn't need to be a full scale job - but hopefully something that would allow them to expand or navigate to a job support themselves if/when they needed it.
PREACH! I distinctly remember the way a friend laughed at me about my earnest warning; she'd just had her first born and I had just read The Feminine Mistake. Twenty years later, her ex absolutely drug her into the financial ground (it's a long, awful tale with elements that I never could have predicted but the outcome I feared for her).
At this stage of life, though, I think we humans often have to learn these lessons the hard way. There will be more than a few poor divorced trad wives whose daughters will do something different... like get a PhD and a job.
One of these former trad wives, Jennie Gage had to rebuild her life after her husband left her destitute said “Your financial future and your children’s financial stability should not be dependent on your husband staying in love with you”
I think these videos are just a modern version of fantasy novels like Bridgerton but they are more insidious because they come across as attainable. These are “real life women”. When in reality most are already fabulously wealthy making these videos. Women want to be trad wives because trad wives are essentially modern wealthy aristocrats. A large rural estate, “farming” in designer dresses, tons of children with a $20,000 stove in the kitchen. They don’t want to be trad wives, they fantasize about being rich, just like all of us ;)
And divorce isn’t the only risk: a woman who doesn’t have marketable skills and recent work experience can quickly find her family in devastating circumstances if her husband develops an illness that makes work impossible or gets laid off because his skills have become obsolete–which could be an increasingly common problem if the AI doomsayers are correct…
This is an incredibly important message. I "kept my hand" in both paid work and high level volunteer work during my 25 year marriage. Even though I made a pittance during all that time and worked very little over 10 years, I was able to get a professional job not long after divorce and several years later I have a director role.
But man it has been HARD. I live in a state with good protections and still, rebuilding while raising teenagers has been an endurance race. For the past seven years my ex has offered zero cooperation and maximum hostility. We are in litigation over stupid stuff because he can't collaborate. The way he turned on me and our children was an absolute shock. I never envisioned this happening. WOMEN, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. Don't give up your economic power.
100% agree with everything you say, and this discussion reminds me of hearing stories/reading articles about young women who had MBAs and successful careers deciding, with their spouse (usually husband), to stay home and be the primary caregiver/house/lifestyle manager, but that as part of that arrangement they we essentially paid a salary (to their own savings/retirement account) which could include bonuses tied to any range of things (e.g. percent of husbands bonus, kids getting accepted to elite school etc). I remember at the time judging these women harshly (mostly for conflating their self worth with their children’s perceived success and the pressure that likely saddled their kids with!) but in retrospect negotiating a salary and monetizing their contribution to their husbands career and lifestyle is not only fair but increases transparency/recognizes the value of caregiving etc, and mitigates risk.
I recently finished reading Only Say Good Things by Crystal Hefner. She mentions Hugh would give them an allowance rather than paying them what they earned. She started DJing on the side and investing in case she wanted financial freedom without letting him know. That would be my advice for trad wives. Squirrel away your own nest egg. Even if you don’t get divorced. You could unexpectedly become a widow.
Yes! This is how I was raised: my mother and grandmother were adamant that I always continue to work since a divorce or a death or a significant injury could be devastating if my income and insurance depended on my partner. Their mantra was "never rely on a man." I do think that the point about divorce/death is often lost when we talk about being a trad wife strictly as an economic privilege, and I'm so glad that you directly addressed this both here and in your Instagram post.
This is a very important conversation. I became a stay at home mom when our child's daycare closed after covid turbulence. I would add that when en you don't have income you give up a lot of power. Eg. My husband is an excellent partner that shares domestic and childcare duties with me after hours, but he could at any point decide "that's not his job" and what could I really do about it? Most people don't like to think about marriage in this way, but money=power is just a reality we're living in that you have to consider. On the flip side, I think the "two income trap" that Elizabeth Warren has written about is compelling.
One of the key findings that emerged from the study of unilateral divorce was that women increased their earnings during marriage, because you can't be independent without money. I think of this a lot, a job is a job but it's also independence.
When I was younger I simply implored my friends to retain some kind of earning power. It didn't need to be a full scale job - but hopefully something that would allow them to expand or navigate to a job support themselves if/when they needed it.
PREACH! I distinctly remember the way a friend laughed at me about my earnest warning; she'd just had her first born and I had just read The Feminine Mistake. Twenty years later, her ex absolutely drug her into the financial ground (it's a long, awful tale with elements that I never could have predicted but the outcome I feared for her).
At this stage of life, though, I think we humans often have to learn these lessons the hard way. There will be more than a few poor divorced trad wives whose daughters will do something different... like get a PhD and a job.
One of these former trad wives, Jennie Gage had to rebuild her life after her husband left her destitute said “Your financial future and your children’s financial stability should not be dependent on your husband staying in love with you”
I think these videos are just a modern version of fantasy novels like Bridgerton but they are more insidious because they come across as attainable. These are “real life women”. When in reality most are already fabulously wealthy making these videos. Women want to be trad wives because trad wives are essentially modern wealthy aristocrats. A large rural estate, “farming” in designer dresses, tons of children with a $20,000 stove in the kitchen. They don’t want to be trad wives, they fantasize about being rich, just like all of us ;)
Really interesting point! The appeal of the lifestyle is the money--you'd think an economist would have gotten there faster.
As your former RAND student and recovering Teacher’s Pet, I shall treasure your comment for all time 😅
And divorce isn’t the only risk: a woman who doesn’t have marketable skills and recent work experience can quickly find her family in devastating circumstances if her husband develops an illness that makes work impossible or gets laid off because his skills have become obsolete–which could be an increasingly common problem if the AI doomsayers are correct…
So true.
If your stability and future depends on a man liking you, then that safety is extremely fragile and precarious.
Truly.
This is an incredibly important message. I "kept my hand" in both paid work and high level volunteer work during my 25 year marriage. Even though I made a pittance during all that time and worked very little over 10 years, I was able to get a professional job not long after divorce and several years later I have a director role.
But man it has been HARD. I live in a state with good protections and still, rebuilding while raising teenagers has been an endurance race. For the past seven years my ex has offered zero cooperation and maximum hostility. We are in litigation over stupid stuff because he can't collaborate. The way he turned on me and our children was an absolute shock. I never envisioned this happening. WOMEN, IT CAN HAPPEN TO YOU. Don't give up your economic power.
Thank you so much for sharing.
100% agree with everything you say, and this discussion reminds me of hearing stories/reading articles about young women who had MBAs and successful careers deciding, with their spouse (usually husband), to stay home and be the primary caregiver/house/lifestyle manager, but that as part of that arrangement they we essentially paid a salary (to their own savings/retirement account) which could include bonuses tied to any range of things (e.g. percent of husbands bonus, kids getting accepted to elite school etc). I remember at the time judging these women harshly (mostly for conflating their self worth with their children’s perceived success and the pressure that likely saddled their kids with!) but in retrospect negotiating a salary and monetizing their contribution to their husbands career and lifestyle is not only fair but increases transparency/recognizes the value of caregiving etc, and mitigates risk.
That is really fascinating, essentially making unpaid labor paid labor.
I recently finished reading Only Say Good Things by Crystal Hefner. She mentions Hugh would give them an allowance rather than paying them what they earned. She started DJing on the side and investing in case she wanted financial freedom without letting him know. That would be my advice for trad wives. Squirrel away your own nest egg. Even if you don’t get divorced. You could unexpectedly become a widow.
An allowance?!
Yes! It’s worth reading. It’s a good memoir.
Thanks for the tip, I love memoirs!!!
Yes! This is how I was raised: my mother and grandmother were adamant that I always continue to work since a divorce or a death or a significant injury could be devastating if my income and insurance depended on my partner. Their mantra was "never rely on a man." I do think that the point about divorce/death is often lost when we talk about being a trad wife strictly as an economic privilege, and I'm so glad that you directly addressed this both here and in your Instagram post.
Now I want to start a company that offers Trad Wife Insurance
Saving. Sharing.
Ty!
This is important. This choice is riskier to the individual in our society than being certain you can earn.